a mothers thoughts

A MOTHER’S THOUGHTS….(to Joshua & Ben)

I was pregnant – again…unexpected, but exciting and wanted. Then they told us there were two. Is there anything in our lives that is “simple”? we thought. But again, we became excited and both babies were very much wanted. Two…two!!…. – twins…as long as their healthy right? We envisioned rearranging rooms, finishing the basement, preparing Adam and Tori…geez, buying a minivan…oh my…a minivan. Two boys!! Two identical boys – named Benjamin John and Joshua Timothy. Ben was the bigger one, Josh was the smaller one. As they moved on the ultrasound screen we called them by name: Big Ben and little Josh. Even the doctors grew to know them. They were the very active twin boys, Ben and Josh…always moving, hard to catch…so alive…

Then the excitement became clouded with preoccupation…the babies are in trouble – bedrest, weekly visits to the hospital…surgery…anything to help them…still there were two heartbeats, they’re still alive…I could feel them moving, constantly, kicking, wiggling, inside my belly. I clung to each movement as a sign of hope for my two boys!!! We’ll get through this. People are praying, God will pull us all through right? Two boys, double strollers, two car seats…visions of two babies crying at once…life sure will be different!

But they came too soon, they must have sensed how much we couldn’t wait to meet them, but it was too soon. Joshy came first…we thought how ironic that our littlest son would be older than his larger brother – wouldn’t that be a hoot as they grew up? I heard no sound, but they told me Joshua was alive! Then came Ben – he made a small screech and then was wisked away like his brother. But they were alive…God will take care of them…they are alive…I thanked God…

Twins…I had twins. A double blessing. Jeffrey was finally a daddy. Twice over!! But Joshy wasn’t strong enough. After 9 hours, we were told it was time to say goodbye. I always knew eventually I would have to say those words to my children someday…but I never imagined it would be after only hours of knowing one of them or that I would be saying Goodbye forever. So I held my son in my arms…my son…my husband’s firstborn…Perfectly formed, wonderfully made, so beautiful…I held him and said Hello, and then Goodbye. I remember saying to him “It’s OK Joshy, you can go now – I’ll meet you on the other side”…and I truly believed it with all of my heart.

But Ben was still with us. Fighting…each day was filled with struggles and accomplishments and hope. We went up to the hospital everyday – some days we could only sit with him…just watching him…longing to touch him and hold him and kiss our little boy...Eventually he improved a bit and we could touch him, and hold him for a little while…I’d read to him, sing to him. Then he had surgery – he couldn’t eat…back to square one. We had numerous more times like that. One step forward, two steps back…but we still had our Ben…and prayed that our Joshy was sending him the healing energy he needed. Then the doctors told us he had brain damage…it was severe…the worst case they’d seen in years…He might never live a “normal” life…I asked myself…what is “normal”? I certainly haven’t lived a “normal” life…I could handle this. If it meant having my child with me, I’d take him in a wheelchair, I’d take him blind, deaf, handicapped…I loved this little boy – no matter what. And so did Jeff rey – we were willing to take him in whatever way we could get him.

And just when it seemed Ben might be proving the doctors wrong…taking a turn for the better…things came crashing to a halt. He just couldn’t fight that infection…or perhaps he wasn’t meant to. We needed to listen to Ben – he was trying to tell us that it was time for him to go. It wasn’t something I thought I’d ever be ready to hear – how do I make the choice to let my baby die? But to think of him living a life filled with pain was something I couldn’t imagine subjecting him to – just to keep him here with me. So when the nurse handed him to me, I again, had to say Goodbye to another child. I remember saying to him “it’s OK my love, you can go now and be with your brother, he’s waiting…”

One thing I’ve learned in the midst of all of this is that it is all playing out just as it should be and was planned in advance. One of the most significant things that has carried me throughout this journey with my twin boys…is what a dear friend told me. She said that Joshua “chose” Jeff rey and I as his mommy and daddy – that this child had a mission, to show us just how loved we really are. And that Benjamin’s mission was to experience Unconditional Love…and to teach us to give that to him…and when each of them had completed what they came here for, we would know it was time to let them go. It’s one thing to love someone…it’s an entirely different thing to love someone enough to truly let them go. And Jeff rey and I were called to do that – not once, but twice. But they both gave us that gift - the gift to love completely – thank you Joshy and thank you Ben…

I’m very sad – I’ve had to bury two of my children. I wonder every day why it happened…why us…but I’m comforted by the fact that they are not in pain, they are not suffering…and they are together – as twins should be…perhaps Ben missed his brother too much and needed to be with him again… I’m comforted in knowing that I will meet them again and that someday all 6 of my children, born and unborn will be with me on “the other side”. And that I will then be able to hold them both for “more than just a while”…

Throughout this entire time…the pregnancy, Joshua’s death, Ben’s struggle to survive and having to lose him as well… I experienced a love that I’ve never experienced before. A love that extends past my friendship and family circle – to those who I’ve never met and to places I’ve never visited. People contacted me and embraced us with their love – people who never met me or Jeff rey or Ben or Josh… These boys have made me look at my son Adam and my daughter Tori with new appreciation and love. They have shown me how much love my husband Jeff rey has for me in his heart and to what lengths he will go to to show me that love. They’ve touched so many in such a short period of time and we are all better people because of it.

Joshua and Benjamin my little ones, as you run into the Arms of the Angels, please know that you will never be forgotten. I will wear this pin in your memory and will know that you are my little angels looking down on all of us from heaven. “I will love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I’m living, my babies you’ll be…”

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